The Chainsaw Recreation League Speaks Out

And now for the fake news ...

Chainsaw : Photo By Adrian PingstoneOn the heels of recent press releases from the National Marine Manufacturers Association and the Americans for Responsible Recreational Access which have been critical of the new National Park Service Management Policies, today the Chainsaw Recreation League (CRL) have come forward with their own complaints.

The CRL is most concerned that their unique brand of recreation is being kept out of the parks by a short sighted policy restricting the group's access and use of federal park lands which are supposed to be available to all Americans. "Motorized, chain-fed recreation is the fastest growing segment of leisure activities over the last five years" says Chainsaw Recreation League president John Stihl, "and by blocking our access to fun, family oriented cutting contests, the National Park Service is being ignorant to the modern demands of Americans on vacation."

The CRL holds an annual gathering with contests which include loudest modified chainsaw and fastest tree felling. Because of the limited availability of giant old growth trees, the only place for CRL to hold their competitions are within the borders of National Parks. Places like Muir Woods, the Redwoods, and Sequoia/Kings Canyon have been on the CRL most-wanted list for years. Mr. Stihl continues, "Park Service officials don't seem to understand that what we do with those old trees is not at all destructive to the park. We choose an area of the park which is well off the beaten path to hold our competitions. Yes, we do cut trees down, but they grow back good as new! And the noise generated from our chainsaws cannot be heard from any trail. Besides, all profits generated from the sale of the timber go directly back into the park's general fund. We are the good guys here. The NPS are being elitists by crafting Management Policies which focus too heavily on preservation and not enough on recreation."

For another perspective on this issue, longtime environmentalist Joni Mitchell was reached for comment. When told of the CRL plan for recreation, she suggested sarcastically that the group take their mission to the next level. Says Mitchell, "they should take all the trees and put them in a tree museum, and then charge all the people a dollar and a half just to see 'em!" And while this might be an innovative way for the Park Service to solve their budget problems, Mitchell went on to suggest that this was actually a bad idea. "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone? They'd pave paradise and put up a parking lot."

[Joni Mitchell's words come from the song Big Yellow Taxi]

Comments

This is great. You should write for The Onion.
Thanks DBNL. I found the *real* press releases from these groups so comical, that it wasn't much of a stretch to create a fake one. I had fun writing it, I may try another one again down the road.